A Parent's Thanksgiving Message to their Addicted Son

The days leading up to Thanksgiving are very difficult. As is usual for people who have Affected Family Member Syndrome. We tend to want to shut down when others are enjoying their families, and being festive. Those Hallmark moments, so to speak. Our kind friends include us as a gesture of compassion, thinking they are doing us a good turn. They don't know how hard it is for us to be in their midst, seeing them with their functional kids.

I anticipated a call from RJ, wondering whether he might ask to be with us for Thanksgiving Day. No such luck. As it turned out, a text message came through from a friend's borrowed phone, (R), at 12.37 am on Friday morning, saying only " Hi, Hope your Turkey Day was nice. Miss you." The next morning after we deliberated, I replied by text " Message for RJ. We miss u 2."

I asked our counselor how we should respond in case he wanted to be with us for Thanksgiving Day. He recommended we say to RJ that he could be with us, provided he was sober then, and that he not drink. 

From Harvard to homeless

Our family has been waging war against the enemy, drugs, for 15 years. We are a small family of 3. Our only son, RJ was diagnosed with ADHD at an early age, and was treated with Ritalin. His attention at school was problematic, largely because of his high IQ, and boredom was frequently the cause of trouble.

RJ started smoking pot before high school, and by the time he reached high school, he was mixing with the wrong crowd. This didn't stop him playing football, being high school valedictorian and getting scouted into an Ivy League University. Little did we know the heartbreak that was waiting for us all.

The various problems that cropped up during the University years were always overshadowed with our goal "If only he can graduate college. We just cant let anything get in the way. We can't  interrupt his  academic progress now. The stakes are too high."

RJ soon felt painfully out of place at Harvard. He took to "using" more and heavier. Being so far from home, the problem escalated, and we were out of touch. If I could have the time over, I would have withdrawn him from school. and brought him back closer home to recover, before doing anything else. Massachusetts is too far from home, and we were out of touch during a very troubled time.

Along the way we tried a variety of therapies. It started with discipline, then taking him to see a Psychiatrist. During his years at Harvard he was treated at the Student health services for a mood disorder, and his use of alcohol with which he was self-medicating. The prescriptions were soon abused.

Needless to say, his Harvard trajectory was punctuated by a couple of periods of withdrawal, both involuntary, as well as voluntary. Obviously the disease of addiction was wreaking collateral damage in ways that we were too far removed on the West Coast to detect. The attendant affects had long since taken their toll on family relationships and communications.

In one of his years of "administrative leave" he attended a Scientology rehab center in Nevada which supposedly had a 93% success rate. After that he returned to Harvard and graduated. All in all, it  took him 7 years to complete an undergraduate Arts and Science degree.

In the four years since his graduation in June 2005 he has managed to hold a job for  roughly three months at a time. He has tried Narcotics Anonymous, as well as taking Buddhist vows. The longest time he has been sober is 6 months. Today he lives virtually homeless, jobless, without a phone, a car. He is 30 minutes away from two loving parents who are at their wits' end.